Big Brown wants his fair share

Media creeps, thanks for coming to my news conference. My new agent, Scott Boras, has encouraged me to look out for No. 1, which I am, being an undefeated Derby winner and all. So here’s my list of demands:

1. I have a white birthmark above my left foreleg, and I want to use that space for advertising, all proceeds of which go directly to me. In the Preakness I’ll wear a UPS patch on it, and I want the same payoff that my jockey, Kent Desormeaux, gets for wearing it on his pants.

2. At stud, I want final approval of the mares that will have my kids. Their breeding and conformation is important, but personality counts, too. Any blueblood that acts like a snotty, spoiled brat at our introductory lunches will be off my list. No obnoxious princesses need apply. You can find my compatibility profile on EquineHarmony.com.

3. My owners are big-time money men with Wall Street connections. So how about hooking me up with investment opportunities? Retroactively, starting with my first race, I demand 10 percent of my earnings, which comes to $210,000 or so. I want some of it invested aggressively, and the rest put into high-yield, long-term municipal bonds. I need security for old age. When I get to Pimlico Wednesday afternoon, come over to the barn and let’s talk.

And nobody should be surprised by what I’m saying. When Kent said I was an intelligent horse, he wasn’t kidding.